My response to this. Leave a comment if you feel so compelled.
It's late and I'm pleasantly intoxicated. I'm alone in my big creepy house and the late Johnny Cash is singing to me about pain. Jiganesh and I hung out tonight. We talked about boys, world peace and mortality. What is it that feels so good about friendship. I've had no one to talk to for so long. When I started seeing Matt, things were just starting to go wrong with you, and I think you know what I mean by this. I still had the confidence to introduce you to someone who was special to me. That trust was violated by both you and him. I got over it, I forgave Matt and tried to make things work with him. They didn't, for various reasons, and I'm sorry Matt, I know you will read this.
You, however, lashed out harshly and bitterly for something that I did while I was extremely messed up. In all honesty, I should not have driven home that night, all I remember was that I was very upset. I woke up the next day with sent text messages on my phone the only real evidence of something that I was ashamed and embarassed of. A friend to me, is someone who accepts you for who you are, including things that are less than savory. Friends can argue and not speak for a time, but to have that friendship instantly switch to hatred wasn't something I expected. Earlier that wednesday night, you had called me several times and said to meet you at the male room. I ended up going over to pick up David before you got off work, but I was still looking forward to talking to you. You give me perspective, if nothing else, and being with the first person since you, I wanted to talk to you about things between Matt and I, and I assumed you would share with me about Adam. You told me that you would "talk to me later." Which I guess in Joe code means that you will give me just enough information to keep me intrigued, but never really let me in.
Things didn't work out well that night. I hadn't eaten that day, and was on cold medicine, not to mention smoking pot for the first and last time in months, and then going out, it just wasn't a good combination. And when we went to leave, and I realized Adam was coming with us, I almost decided to go home right then and there. I didn't. The rest is history.
OK, it seems like you would like everyone to believe that I'm insane. Frankly, that bothers me. I could go into detail about your personal business, but I was with you for almost two years, and to me that seems like I would be putting myself down. I could say that you are an asshole, for instance, but then, if I say that to anyone who has any coherence, they're gonna say, "Why did you date him then?" Why did I date you? Because I fell in love with you before I knew who you were. I still don't know who you are, but I've tried to make the best of this shitty hand I've been dealing with. I tried hard to hate you. That didn't work. I've tried to replace you, but in the end, I still care about you. I make mistakes, I'm human, and for that I'm sorry.
When you suddenly wanted me back in your life in September, I didn't know what to make of it, but, silly me, I let you in. I've lost so much because I'm either too strong or too weak to give up on you, but I just keep giving. I thought I could learn to love you unconditionally. I thought I could sleep with you while you slept with people like Teri and Mark. I thought that even if I could just have that much more time with you that I should feel lucky. You used me so you could have a friend who adored you when you first moved here and knew no one.
All in all, I can't stifle the feeling of loss that I've experienced since I met you. While I was with you I felt like I had everything, but afterwards, I felt like I had missed out on so much to be with you. And recently, I've lost David. I know I've even talked to you about this, and I'm sure you've used things I've said in spite of me. Since you moved down here in September, things between me and David have gone downhill. I am not blaming you, but understand that Walter and David mean a lot to me, and I feel so disconnected from them. I feel so disconnected from everything.
Anyways, I'm sorry about your boyfriend, I don't know who he is, and I didn't contact him. I know you won't believe me, but why should you. I don't want to meet with you- what, in all reality, would that accomplish. I kinda thought that this drama was over. I'm not speaking to David or Walter, Matt and I are not together anymore. I didn't want anything to do with the whole situation over there at your apartment. And then I get messages from Matt about you threatening my life.
You never ever wanted to let me into your life enough to talk about things honestly, in the 3 years I've known you, so I don't get it. I don't know if you are just trying to make yourself look good after your death threat, but whatever... Don't worry about mutual friends, we don't have any, you can have them. David has made it more than clear that he wants nothing to do with me. If his friendship with me hinges so dearly on your acceptance, then I can do without. Walter and I will be fine, I just can't talk to him for a while. Oh, and can I say: thanks for not so much as calling me when Bladen was here. I don't know where you get off thinking he was less a part of my life when I was in Pittsburgh than he was yours. That hurt, you totally won that one. Kudos on whatever you said to make him block me from his buddy list.
I accept your pseudo apology, accept mine and feel free to forget I exist.
