So, I've been thinking a lot about the whole relationship thing lately... Don't really know why. I don't want one, but sometimes I start to think that it would be nice.

I wonder what part of me makes me think that. There are things that I do, and enjoy, that I wouldn't have if I were with someone... I couldn't jet to Miami for the weekend, there are people I probably wouldn't hang out with, places I couldn't go, and let's be honest... I like having the whole bed to myself.

Well, I found myself looking at people in Orlando, all straight and coupled up. It's so strange... I find myself wondering, when I see people who look happy, why are they together... Instead of thinking, aw, they're cute, I'm thinking to myself, is she just with him cuz he has money, is he just with her cuz she has big tits? It's very odd, and somewhat disconcerting. I guess I just remember what it's like to look happy, but be miserable.

So I wait. I enjoy myself, I have a good time. I'm 23. That's what I want. I'll look back on my life someday and know that I lived it. Which is important to me now.

I told myself when Joe and I broke up, years ago, after being in something very intense with him, that I wasn't looking. That I wasn't going to settle for anything less than being swept away by some blinding, heart-pounding... something, with someone. It didn't happen that way, and I guess a part of me is still waiting for that day. I don't regret the way my life has turned out. Everything I've done has led me to the point I'm at now in my life, so... That's a good thing.

But yeah, I've just had to deal with, and have dealt, enough childish shit. For instance, last week, Matt decided to break into my AIM list and erase everyone on it. I don't know why... He told me to erase him from my phone, email, everything, and I did. So why now, I don't have that answer... I care about Matt alot, but that's not enough. I was always so terrible to him, simultaneously trying to push him away and hold him close...

So, maybe there is a reason this has been on my mind... When I first met Mark, at the Vault (before they closed it), I was completely crushing on him. I even remembered thinking, I'd really like to date this boy, even though I barely knew him. I got to hang out with Mark alot in the 4 weeks that he was here. But I always wanted more... I thought I would see him before he left, but it never happened. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye.

I knew he was going away though, from the start. That was part of the appeal. I knew how fragile I still was, and knew that no matter how intense things got, he would be gone in four weeks. And, if things went well... I think it's always better to want to see someone more than you can, than it is to see someone more than you want.

So in the end, I started seeing Nick. I don't really know why... Wasn't really into him that much, he was just really persistent.

So Mark and I have kept in touch, and it seems as if we'll have more time to spend getting to know each other. Also, he may be going to USF next year. So in about 9 months, he could be living here. At some point next year, I will be going back to school also, that's the plan at least...

So, yeah, maybe I'll find some crazy, blinding, passionate love some day.
That's really the only kind worth having, in my opinion.